Stuff your loans!
Ha!
That's alright, I quite understand.
Ha!
Ah!
Ha!
The body is a tree.
The lower half is the trunk, solid and grounded,
while the upper half must be supple like leaves,
that rustle in the wind.
I got turned down for promotion again this morning.
- Bye, Fran! - Bye, Eva.
See you Friday!
What?
Nothing, apparently the college lacks cash
and I lack drive.
Course you do, Henry.
Kura-San says it's like a river
of cleansing self-revelation.
Who in the hell's Kura-San?
My instructor.
That's Norman Hewitt, the manager of Multivision.
Is this the one?
No, no, no, it's an unleavened wholemeal bread
a bit like paratha.
What's wonderful is you're seeking oneness
with everything around you.
Are you?
I thought that was Transcendental Meditation?
No, TM's quite different.
Yes, TM's on Tuesdays, isn't it?
- Here you are, dear. - Thanks.
I do wish you'd loosen up a bit, Henry,
the trouble with you is you're always reading
or talking about books,
you don't know what the real world's like.
It's always been your trouble,
you never try and expand yourself spiritually or physically,
you never want to take the lead at anything,
you're one of life's born followers, you always will be.
No wonder you're out of condition,
you have no appetite for life,
all you ever do is walk the dog.
You don't have the slightest desire to grow,
to lift yourself out of the rut.
Don't I?
I could fulfil my latent promise
only if some fortuitous disaster overtakes my wife.
Henry, have you been drinking?
I too have discovered the dormant power in my puny body.
These hands can kill.
Henry, you're making a fool of yourself.
Come at me.
If I do, I'll snap your spine in half,
now let's go home.
Come at me.
Argh!
It's a brand new restaurant, Vietnamese cuisine.
It's supposed to be wonderful.
Are you out of the bath yet, darling?
Yes, darling.
I told Sally and Hugh 1:30.
Hm-mm.
Sally and Hugh.
I suppose they're both black belts in karate.
No, no, no, you sat behind Janice Allsop
and she sat behind Ingrid Lambourne.
Oh, that's right and Susan Murchison sat behind me
in front of Alison Windle.
No, no, no,
Alison Windle sat two desks in front of me
behind Janice Allsop.
In front of Ingrid Lambourne.
- Right. - Oh!
Janice Allsop, she was incredible.
Well, she must have been
sitting three desks behind herself
and two in front all at the same time.
That can't be right, can it?
I know what it was.
I think we've about covered
school reminiscences now, haven't we?
I loathed every minute of it myself
and what's really depressing, you know
is that's all some people's entire lives consist of,
I mean, they go to school, go on to college,
get a degree and then go back to school again
to regurgitate it all to someone else,
I mean, can you imagine what a mind numbingly
stagnating experience that must be.
Hm.
Yes, it must be, mustn't it?
Has anyone tried the muck noi thit?
It's squid, it's rather delicious.
More wine?
No, thank you.
I think you're going to be driving us home today, darling.
Hm, so what are you driving at the moment, Henry?
- What me? - Does anybody here
own a Y registration Vauxhall Cavalier?
Oh, Henry, for goodness sake!
Look what you're doing.
Leave it.
Come on, Dasher, come on.
No, if I may just say on behalf of me and my wife
how very grateful we are for being given the opportunity
to experience this Vietnamese banquet.
No, honestly, I can see now why the French left Indo-China.
I mean, Sally.
Hugh, you must come and see the extension
to my status symbol sometime, you'd love it.
Why does she do it, why does she hone in on these people
like a dung beetle into a sewer?
She goes off to a flower arranging class,
she comes back talking of clitoral stimulation.
Evening.
If I just slide it gently in like this.
Ow, careful, you're pinching!
Buries it there.
Now it's on.
Now try and keep it pointed roughly at him,
then we can pick him up nice and clear.
Germany calling, Germany calling.
Good morning, campers.
Right, Inspector.
Right.
- Watch it, sir. - Oh, ta.
Can you smell something, Dave?
No, what is it?
The sweet scent of victory,
the biggest narcotics ring this side of Bury St. Edmunds,
I'm just about to nail 'em to the wall.
What do you reckon?
Go on, make yourself scarce. - Right you are, Inspector,
or should I say Chief Inspector after tonight?
Come on, Dave, you can't really see me
sitting behind a desk, can you?
One of these days she'll push me too far, Dasher,
something's got to give.
I think what I'll do then is I think I'll murder her,
it's the only logical solution.
Something grisly would be good,
grisly but ingenious.
Hm.
I've always said it, a successful market economy
depends upon the freedom of the individual
to inject whatever substance
he or she likes into their veins.
They supply the demand, we merely supply the goods.
Drowning's a good idea,
amateur scuba diver in canal death mystery,
no oxygen in her aqualung.
- Oh, yes. - Oh!
- Oh, Nigel. - Oh.
Oh, do it to me.
Oh.
Well, that doesn't sound like Inspector Flint.
What the hell's going on?
Well, it's been a fascinating chat, Mr. Macari.
You can rest assured you've said all the right things.
Alright, lads, switch off now,
he is hung, drawn and quartered.
If you'd like to hand over those documents now please.
Double crossing, I'll show you!
Uh, Christ!
Help, help me, I'm being mugged!
Help me, help, argh!
Get the thieving bastard off me!
Alright, hand it over, sunshine!
Oh, Christ, what the hell do I do now?
Hand it over, come on.
Hang on down there, hang on!
You're finished, sunshine.
Argh!
Well, run for it now, while the bastard's down!
Thanks, mate.
Right, okay, you're coming to the police with me, mate.
I am the fucking police, you gormless erection.
Shit!
One, two.
When I was out with Dasher,
I got involved with a police undercover operation,
I ended up nearly bashing a detective inspector to death.
Sally's invited us to Hugh's birthday on the 12th.
You should see the house they've bought,
it's got its own granary.
Hm.
You don't have to feel inferior
just because Sal's got money.
Yes well, I couldn't feel inferior
to a merchant banker, darling
for the same reason I couldn't feel inferior
to a 30 watt light bulb, they're both dim
and they have no discernible function.
She's taking me shopping tomorrow
for some designer lingerie,
she said she absolutely swears by it.
Did you see this story about the Swaffham Strangler?
Three women he's bumped off now
and they still haven't caught him.
She said she sees me in pale lemon camiknickers,
it's certainly a thought.
Yes,
it certainly is.
♪ Dee dee di da di da di ♪
♪ Da da dee da da dee ♪
♪ Da da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪
♪ Dee dee dee dee ♪
John!
I'm filling it as fast as it can go, ain't I?
Where does she keep the Marmite, Dasher?
Are you sure?
I tell you, there was a woman down there.
- Morning. - Morning.
Oh, I'm supposed to remind Eva,
that there's a Greenpeace meeting.
No.
No, she can't make it.
So what's wrong with the car then?
I did the wing in,
and I can't claim, because the phone box wasn't insured.
You don't have to tell me, Henry.
It was murder.
What?
Traffic last night coming home.
Oh yes, Peter,
terrible, absolutely terrible.
- Morning, sir. - Hm.
Here he comes.
Enjoy the hospital?
It was alright.
Morning, sir.
Alright.
- Morning, Inspector Flint. - Morning.
Good to see you back on your feet again
after the accident.
God spare us the Have a Go Joe Public, Miss Leuchars.
There's a memo from the Chief Inspector
asking for a report ASAP. - Yeah, right.
Shame the whole operation
ended up an unmitigated disaster.
Yeah, shame.
Apparently there's some irregularity
with the gun requisition. - Yeah, I'll deal with that.
It's a good job Inspector Farmiloe
managed to round up them up in the end.
Yeah, yeah, he's a good cop, old Farmiloe.
It's all tied up bar some paperwork,
so long as your brain's alright after the concussion.
We were all so worried you'd end up a vegetable.
Yeah, right, well, I think I'll...
Flint.
What?
Right, I'm onto it now.
Mind your backs!
Oi, watch it!
Panic over, they're here.
Yeah, alright.
Sam, who was here first?
Me, sir, everything's been left as was,
these two gentlemen saw the body.
Right, this is the hole, I take it.
Now I gather one of you men actually saw
part of a woman's body prior to the concrete going in?
Piss off.
Clear the area.
I yelled at him to fucking stop pouring,
but he wouldn't fucking listen.
You could see her fucking limbs all fucking twisted.
It was fucking horrible.
I see, make a fucking note of that, Dave.
What's going on?
They've found a woman's body down an hole.
Sir, these were found near the top of the hole.
What sort of mind would be capable
of writing something like this?
Right, now,
who can tell me what the thematic subtext,
if you like the social allegory is
in "Tess of the D'Urbervilles?"
Cranham? - Er,
is it people being ripped to pieces by a bloody great dog?
No, no, I think that's "The Hound of the Baskervilles"
you're thinking of there. - Oh, right.
You have had six weeks to read this novel,
I don't think it's asking too much to do...
I bet she's got no head.
When they pull her out,
I bet her head's been sawn off, I bet ya.
Yes, well, I hardly think that's germaine
to the whole subject.
He could have drilled right through her eyeballs.
Do you know, I seen this video last night, right,
this geezer, he's got this power drill,
he's got this girl, he drilled right through her head,
you've never seen nothing like it.
I've always said the place was a death trap.
Obviously one of the students working late over the weekend
trips over a cable or something.
A plausible theory, Principal, except for one thing,
none of our students have ever worked here at the weekend,
it's rare enough to find them working during the week.
Of course this will give the builders another excuse
for falling behind schedule.
Not gonna look too good
for the new sponsors tomorrow, is it?
Oh, my goodness, do you think it's too late
to stop the Japanese?
It's always too late to stop the Japanese.
Nice bit of parking.
Morning.
Sir.
The plan at the moment is to dig a second hole
here and come at the woman's body from the side.
I think it's pretty fair to say
the chances of anyone being found alive down there
by that time are pretty negligible.
Okay, that's a cut.
Thank you, Inspector Flint, sir.
You can edit out that bugger earlier on, can you?
- Yes, no problem. - Yes.
We've got the owner of that Cavalier in the office, sir.
He's in there, sir. - Yes, alright.
Leave it to me.
You.
Oh, shit.
Well, I must say, I always did think he was a bit odd.
Oh, come on, I mean,
well, they can't suspect Henry of anything surely.
Well, he does teach Liberal Studies
to those butchers' apprentices.
If they're looking for a murderer,
you can understand their reasoning.
Did you write this, Mr. Wilt?
- Yes. - Don't try and deny it.
Well, I wasn't, I.
It may interest you to know
that the handwriting on these sheets of paper
corresponds exactly with that on some paperwork
we found on the back seat of your car.
Well, it would, wouldn't it?
A car that we found abandoned not 50 yards from that hole.
I suppose you can tell me what it's doing there?
Oh, it's some kind of foundation shaft, I think.
The car, not the hole!
The car, well, I had an accident
and I didn't wanna drive home
and I wonder if you could tell me what this is all about?
Well, perhaps you can tell me
what this is all about, Mr. Wilt?
This?
Well, they're jottings for a lecture,
the sandwich course, trainee firemen.
Oh, that's very interesting.
One, increase use of violence for political ends.
Two, ineffectuality of police methods in combating violence.
Do you know, I can't quite read your writing, would you?
A, social illiteracy amongst most police constables.
B, use of violence by the police themselves.
C, look, is this absolutely necessary?
C, low level of intelligence of the average policeman.
You're inferring we're all thick, aren't you?
No, no, I'm implying you're all thick,
you're inferring that's what I...
Mr. Wilt, did you or did you not at the weekend
brutally murder a defenceless woman
and stick her body down that hole?
Certainly not.
Well, that's exactly what I expected you to say.
So I'm being arrested, am I?
Not at all, Mr. Wilt, not at all,
you're just helping the police with their inquiries.
This is a free, democratic society,
where every man is innocent, until proven guilty.
Take him down the nick, don't let him out of your sight.
They've arrested Wilt!
Fascist bastards!
Alright, Wilty!
As soon as they get you down there,
keep your hands on your bollocks
and don't tell the bastards nothing, alright, son?
Anything, Cranham, don't tell the bastards anything.
Hard-nosed bunch, aren't they?
They look more like football hooligans.
Yes, well, they are football hooligans.
Yeah, I know what you mean, you get used to it.
Thanks.
So how long do you intend to keep me here?
That depends, doesn't it, Mr. Wilt?
On what?
Whether you know more about this than you're letting on,
it's shocking the number of husbands these days,
who go around murdering their wives.
Yeah.
Hello, this is Henry Wilt,
I'm sorry I'm not here at the moment,
please leave a message after the tone.
Oh, hello, Eva.
Hi, this is Henry.
Yes.
How was archery practice?
Did you really?
Well, well, well, that's your best score ever, isn't it?
Me?
Well, there's a spot of trouble here,
I'm at the police station.
Oh, you heard about all that, did you?
Yes, yes, well, it's a terrible business, yes.
So anyway, what?
Really, when was this?
My goodness, did she really?
Well, I never.
Well, well, well, well.
Yes well, you can tell me all about that, when I get home.
No, no, I can't imagine they'll keep me here that long.
Don't bank on that, will you, Mr. Wilt?
Yes, the evidence is shaping up nicely now, Dave,
very nicely indeed.
- Listen, Inspector, ow! - Sorry.
Is this strictly necessary?
Manicuring your suspects until they scream for mercy?
Ooh, you'd be surprised what we can find
under a fingernail, Mr. Wilt,
a fibre of the victim's clothing,
a stray pubic hair.
The key to deductive reasoning
lies not in the obvious clues,
but in the trivial, the tiny seemingly miniscule details,
which may appear irrelevant, but to the trained eye...
Sir.
It's my blood.
I had a nosebleed.
Of course.
Tell forensics to check it for mucus.
Listen Inspector, there really is something
that I have to tell you. - Yes, good.
Well, tell us about the nosebleed.
- The nosebleed? - Yeah.
Well,
Friday morning, I was having a spot of difficulty
with some of my day release classes.
I don't wanna read this book,
it's boring, nothing happens.
How do you know that?
You haven't actually read it, have you?
The last teacher we had, he was called Pinkerton,
now he made us read a book called "Jude the Obscure"
about this wanker called Jude.
Now the funny thing about old Pinky
was he never showed up next term,
took his self down the river,
shoved a pipe up the exhaust, gassed himself.
Well, I can't say I blame him.
What do you mean?
He was supposed to show us a good example.
Well, I'm sure that's what he had in mind,
when he gassed himself.
I'll bet you didn't get your leg over last night,
did you, Wilty?
He probably ain't had it for yonks.
Look,
this course is designed to cover a wide range of topics,
politics to literature,
CPR and how to open a bank account.
What it will not include is my private life,
is that alright?
You didn't then, did ya?
Why don't you sit down and shut up,
you foul-minded little turd?
Ooh!
Uh!
Fine,
fine.
Well, I must say, I'd have thought
you'd have shown a bit more restraint.
He hit me!
Well, you provoked him.
You've offended their sensibilities.
They don't have sensibilities,
they work in a sausage factory.
They may only be part-time students,
but they're entitled to an education.
I suppose this party tonight is gonna be a riot
of fun and intellectual repartee.
I'd better mug up on clitorises,
so I've got something to talk about.
Why are you giving off such a negative aura?
I'm sure you're irritable, because your colon's clenched.
You know the worst thing?
The rest of the class have all walked out in sympathy,
now Treadaway thinks I should bloody well apologise.
Well, he's right, you've already been turned down
for promotion five times, it's not going to help,
if you've lost the confidence of the students.
You can do it tonight on the way to Sally and Hugh's.
If you think I'm crawling cap in hand
to that bunch of Neanderthals,
you've got another thing coming.
Hi, hi!
I was just passing
and I thought this was a great opportunity
to clear up that stupid misunderstanding in class today.
Alright lads, this is between him and me!
They sent you down here grovelling, didn't they, Wilty?
- Well, I... - I had to do it,
nut you, I mean, you was well out of order
in front of all the lads. - Yes, well,
you had no choice, I can see that.
You surprise me, Wilty,
none of the other teachers would've had the bottle
to call me a foul-mouthed little shit.
Well actually it was a foul-minded little turd.
You fancy some pork chops, eh?
Yeah, yeah.
So what do you reckon?
Painstaking process, Dave, he's a tricky bastard,
fancies himself as a verbal contortionist,
a logic chopper.
I'll have it sewn up by midnight.
It's for you, Inspector.
Flint.
No, no, no, Pauline, no, I won't be home,
it's an all-nighter, this one.
Well, I am in the pub obviously, yes,
I'm taking a break from the rigours
of the intensive investigation.
Fine, great, suit yourself.
Stan, when our wives call, we are not here,
even if we are, page one, Stan, page one.
Women, eh?
Yeah.
Dragging you off to some poncy party,
rubbing your nose in it in front of those yobs,
she can't be an easy woman to live with.
Drives you mad, don't it?
Gets under your skin, boiling up inside you,
insulting your manhood. - Please, Inspector,
I can see your line of reasoning
and really it's very, very clever,
but I have to make a statement.
Yeah, all in good time, Mr. Wilt, excuse me one minute.
No, please, Inspector, this is silly!
Mrs. Bulstrode?
Mr. Wilt?
No, thanks, I ate yesterday.
Right, do you want to make a statement, Mr. Wilt?
Thanks, Dave.
So here's the form, that one's yours, this one's mine,
that's so you've got your own copy of the conversation.
You're not being charged,
you're just making a voluntary statement, alright?
Hm-mm.
Why's nothing happening, Dave?
You press Play and Record simultaneously.
Yes, yeah, alright.
Say something.
Say what?
Anything, anything for level.
My name is Henry Wilt
and I have confession to make.
Yeah, we got that.
Right, go on.
I did not kill my wife,
I did not kill my wife!
I know you think I did, but honestly,
there's a perfectly simple explanation for what happened.
We had a row
and she left me and I don't know where she is.
There's nothing unusual about that,
she is a bit like that and that's what happened.
You should've mentioned all this earlier, Mr. Wilt.
I did try.
It sounds like a perfectly plausible explanation to me.
Yes well, you see, we were at a party
and you know how it is.
Yes, yes, yes, I quite understand.
Right, well if we need to talk to you again,
we'll be in touch.
Right well,
am I free to go?
Goodbye, Mr. Wilt.
Right.
That's him!
That's the man I saw on Friday night!
He was stabbing a woman to death outside my shop!
It was horrible!
That's what we call a positive identification, Mr. Wilt.
Right, let's start again, shall we?
It's a very complicated story.
Don't worry, they usually are.
Well, you know that party?
Well, we arrived,
sweeping up the gravelled drive in our limousine.
You should've worn something loose,
your clothes are so boring.
Sally and Hugh's friends are much more caj.
Caj?
Well, look at you, I suppose you're fab as well, are you?
If you bothered to keep in touch,
you'd know that fab was back.
Anyway I think it suits me, Sally helped me choose it.
Hm, it's groovy.
♪ I feel the love ♪
Yoo hoo, Sally!
Darling,
you look fab! - Thanks.
Drinks are over here, I'd give the chilli a miss,
if I were you, you'll be farting till September.
Hugh's outside manning the barbecue.
Yeah, what's he done,
popped out the grounds and shot a stag?
Sausages actually,
if you remember what they look like.
♪ I'll change my ways, baby ♪
♪ I'll change my ways, oh, darling ♪
- Hello, Hugh. - How you doing?
Hi.
Every time that woman, Sally opens her mouth,
it's about sex.
Will you lighten up?
You're determined this evening
should be a disaster, aren't you?
Why is it you can never make an effort
with any of my friends? - Why bother?
What possible interest can these people have
in the problems of a grade two lecturer at the local tec?
For that matter, what interest have I got
in playing charades in the library
or eating sausages cooked by some ponce in a jockstrap?
In that case, why don't you fuck off home, hm?
I'm going to enjoy myself.
How was it, did you enjoy it?
I think Canada's simply gorgeous,
but not for a whole weekend.
I know exactly what you mean,
but Bach does have his moments, I suppose,
but he has his limitations.
Excuse me.
Personally I honestly can't see
what's wrong with buggery.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - That's alright.
I suppose you're up from London, are you?
No, I bought a house near here,
it's like this only with a moat.
A moat, that's very useful.
Yeah, I'm gonna restock it, put in a trout hatchery
and the gleam in my eye
is to convert the stables into a 24-track.
My wife and I have often thought about building
above the garage, somewhere to put the aqualung.
Hi, Adam.
Why is there a queue outside every lavatory?
Oh, it's 'cause there's so much blow around,
people forget that some of us need to have a pee.
Sod off!
Get out!
You were rabbiting with Denny a long time,
I think he fancies you.
Which one's Denny?
The one with the gorgeous bum, who works for Channel Four.
Trouble is I couldn't find anything
to go with my new dress.
Try this lipstick,
it's from that new Japanese place in Covent Garden.
Do you think mine's too obvious?
No, I just think this will go better with your dress.
Does it look alright on me?
It's perfect for you, Evie.
You just have to know how to wear it,
be a bit more daring,
flesh it out.
I haven't quite got your figure, Sal.
Listen, darling, I had these done, you know,
I found this genius little guy near Godalming.
Aren't they incredible?
Gosh, yes, you'd never know.
Look what you've done now,
you've made my nipples go all hard.
Anyway, better be getting back downstairs,
are you coming?
Yes, in a tick, love.
I'll see you down there.
Okay then.
Henry.
I see you've met Angelique.
Oh, God!
One of Hugh's little toys,
he says she was left over from an office party,
but I have my doubts.
Anyway if you two want to be left alone together, I'll...
Don't be so bloody disgusting.
Why don't you take Angelique home with you?
I'm sure there's a book of instructions
round here somewhere, she's even got a slot,
where you can park your little willy.
You're obsessed by sex
and you assume everyone else is as well.
I prefer men with small ones, they try so much harder.
You make an awful lot of assumptions about people,
don't you, including the size of their willies?
Eva and I talk about everything, love.
Oh yes, I noticed.
Last time I heard you were shoving your nipples in her face.
I wish you'd leave my wife alone,
I don't think you even like Eva,
I think you just like having someone around
you were at school with,
so you can measure how far you've come.
I feel sorry for her,
because being married to someone like you
must make her realise how much she hasn't come.
Really?
Oh, dear.
Screw you!
Ah!
Uh!
Christ!
You cow!
Ah.
Ah!
Ooh!
Ooh, hi!
Hi, you couldn't possibly untie me,
at all, do you think?
I just need something, yeah.
Don't go, don't go away, don't go away!
I just need nail scissors or a nail file.
Argh!
Hi!
Hi.
You haven't seen Henry about on your travels, Hugh?
Yeah, I think I did see him heading towards our bedroom.
Have you two had a bust up or something?
Well, I did sort of lose my temper a bit,
it's not his fault really,
he does find it very difficult to mix,
being the quiet, shy type.
Ah, ah, burst, you cow, burst!
Burst!
Uh!
Oh, Christ.
Oh!
Oh, no, Eva!
♪ You've got me loving, loving ♪
♪ I'll tell you who we're selling ♪
♪ You'll take me there now, honey ♪
Sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a couple here,
who want to announce their engagement.
What a loathsome perv!
How could he?
How could he do such a thing in front of all those people?
Men are like that, believe me.
But with a doll?
It's horrible.
I know, it's horrible.
Male dominance reduces us to the level of objects.
But Henry's never done anything like that before.
Well, he's done it now.
Don't worry,
I'll look after you.
I think Evie should stay here tonight.
You engineered this whole fiasco,
so I don't give a shit what you think, Eva!
You're either psychotic or severely repressed.
Eva, I'm only gonna say this one more time,
are you coming home now or not?
No!
Fine.
Where's the girlfriend?
Here, catch.
Doesn't your wife get jealous?
That was his wife.
Have a nice time, darling!
Sweet dreams.
Bloody Sylvia or whatever you are now.
Fan-bloody-tastic!
Right, come on, you cow, out, out!
Come on!
This is where you get it.
Ah!
My God, what are you doing?
A bit of a crisis, it's my girlfriend, she's not well!
I had to perform an emergency appendectomy,
otherwise it could have been fatal.
She'll be alright now though, she'll pull through, bye!
Ah!
Well, don't just sit there, you latex bitch!
Come along, you vulcanised whore, oh!
Uh!
Oh!
Oh, God!
Bloody good riddance.
Bollocks!
Is that you, Mr. Wilt?
Peter Jessell, remember, you used to teach me.
Jessell,
yeah, hi.
Hi, I was just,
I was just taking a leak.
Would you believe I had a prang with the car,
I didn't wanna drive home with just one headlight.
I remember you, Jessell, yes,
you were a very, very bright student.
Didn't you get a degree in sociology?
That's right, Cambridge.
And what are you doing now?
I'm doing this.
You expect me to believe that.
Well, there we are,
it's too many sociologists chasing too few jobs, I suppose.
You really do think we're stupid, don't you?
This has nothing to do with my personal opinions.
You slimy little ponce!
It's your wife whose down that hole
and you're the murdering bastard who put her there!
I certainly did not.
You're not teaching "Tess of the Baskervilles"
to a bunch of trainee sandwich makers now, my son!
Read this man his rights.
Ah!
Flint.
Good evening, sir.
Everything alright?
Sorry I couldn't be around,
it was Brian Holten's testimonial dinner at the Olde Ship.
Any progress?
According to the suspect, sir, what's down that hole
is a life size inflatable, plastic doll with a real vagina.
A real vagina?
I booked him anyway, sir.
Do you think he did it?
If 18 years of experience is anything to go by, yes sir.
I see.
When does Farmiloe get back?
Next weekend, sir, I think.
Oh, well, I'm sure you can handle it till then, Russell.
Give me a rubber room, I'd have it cracked by midnight.
So when you turned up first thing Monday morning,
there was no sign whatsoever of Mr. and Mrs. West-Roper?
That's right.
And yet their car was sill parked outside in the drive?
It is odd, isn't it?
Constable, I want you to search this house
for signs of a struggle.
Will I have to be plugged into a lie detector?
I'm not ruling out any options at this stage.
Well?
Not much in here, sir,
a few chicken wings ground into the carpet,
someone's urinated in the tallboy.
Things are looking up,
a knotted black nylon stocking.
Ring any bells in your head, Dave?
Good God!
Yeah,
exactly.
It's the Swaffham Strangler.
Now then, Mr. Wilt, I'm going to show you something,
take your time.
Does this remind you of anything?
Yes.
Ah, what?
A Rorschach ink blot test.
Yes, anything else?
No, it doesn't remind me of anything else,
it reminds me of what it is.
Do you mean is it reminiscent of another object?
That's exactly what I mean, Mr. Wilt.
Now tell me
is this reminiscent of another object?
Yes.
What exactly?
A butterfly sitting on a geranium.
Ah, interesting.
You don't think for example that it looks
like a naked woman lying in a pool of blood?
Well, of course I think it looks like a naked woman
lying in a pool of blood,
but I'm hardly gonna tell you that, am I?
I'm sitting here on a murder charge,
I'm always gonna say something else.
whether or not you are capable of brutally killing your wife
and her two friends and disposing of the bodies.
And how am I supposed to have done that?
Dissolved them in an acid bath?
Ah!
Oh, Dr. Pittman,
do you know how much acid that would take?
Yes well, I don't need to know, do I, Mr. Wilt?
Just what are you trying to tell me?
Well, I'm trying to tell you, Dr. Pittman,
that anyone who believes such a ridiculous theory
hasn't got his head screwed on straight.
I'm depressed, I'm frustrated,
my marriage is going nowhere and nor is my career.
True, but you mustn't let it get you down, sir.
I'm not talking about me,
I'm putting myself in the mind of Henry Wilt!
You are dragged here to a party, right,
where he's humiliated.
The focus of his rage, his insane rage
is his wife and these West-Ropers.
My God, he must have come back here
in the middle of the night
after everyone else had gone home,
it gives me goose pimples just to think about it.
There's three bulldozers and six mechanical diggers
just rolling up out the front, sir.
That's right and they're not leaving here
till every inch of these grounds is turned over.
We've almost nailed him, Dave,
they'll soon have that second hole at the college finished,
then at least we'll have one of the bodies we're after.
But how do we get that lucky sod to own up?
He's not outwitting me!
I'm sure you'll think of something, sir.
Give me a break, Inspector, it's gone two in the morning.
I've got an import licence for them, you know.
This is not a bust, Mossop.
Oh, it's personal, is it, Mr. Flint?
Look, if you're too embarrassed
to come during regular hours,
I can always bring it round the house.
It's official police business, you'll get a receipt.
Do you want an outfit with it?
What?
Lots of customers like to dress them up,
I've got Teenage Temptress or Bitch Goddess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Good God!
Do people really buy tartan dildoes?
That's my thermos, Mr. Flint.
You seem remarkably disinterested
in the gravity of this situation, Mr. Wilt.
impartial to both sides, I'm uninterested.
Did your wife wear dentures, Mr. Wilt?
I beg your pardon.
I think you heard me plainly enough.
No, no, she didn't, she was always very keen on...
Oh, thank you very much,
I thought it'd come out in the end.
What's that?
Well, that was the past tense,
so you admit she's dead? - No, no, no.
Well, we'll go on from there.
No, no, no, no, no, you see,
you asked me did your wife wear dentures?
So all I said was no, she didn't,
you see, she doesn't,
always sticking bits of dental floss down the loo.
No idea the number of times I thought I'd got worms.
I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me, Mr. Wilt.
They've finally brought a body in.
Is this your wife, Mr. Wilt?
Is this supposed to be some sort of joke?
A joke, Mr. Wilt, what do you mean?
Is it or isn't it? - Where'd you get this?
Where I got it or where I didn't get it is irrelevant,
but I think it proves my point,
a thing like this with or without an authentic vagina
would never fool three witnesses.
Now come on, you know as well as I do
it's Mrs. Wilt down that shaft,
are you gonna come clean and admit it?
Inspector, are you sure you're not letting ambition
blind your judgement here?
What do you mean, ambition?
Well, I've been talking to some of the lads
and isn't it a fact that this case
Farmiloe.
Yes, but he's on holiday, isn't he?
I mean, my point is this, Inspector,
I know this is a very important case to you,
but I don't think you should overplay your hand here,
I'd hate to see you make a fool of yourself.
I know Community Studies is a difficult subject,
but you don't expect its lecturers to murder their wives
and bury them on the premises.
Don't you?
Well, I'm amazed more people don't.
Actually a conviction for first degree homicide
isn't gonna help his promotion application.
We're talking about Henry Wilt.
Right, don't be fooled, Peter,
they all look mild and inoffensive, Crippen, Christie,
that man in the Ruth Ellis case.
She murdered him.
It's like the raising of the Titanic down there.
Look, they're getting ready to bring her up.
Whoa, whoa!
Go on, Wilty, do a runner!
Make a break for it, Wilty!
Go see Biggsy in Argentina, mate, go on!
Brazil, Cranham, Brazil.
Seems your fan club's here again, Mr. Wilt.
I wanna see the expression on your face,
when they lift her out of the hole.
I'm quite looking forward to seeing yours.
Certainly, Mr. Utachi,
money invested in the college
by a major Japanese firm such as yours
will be money well spent.
Just keep them back, son, keep them back.
Steady, come on.
Start lifting.
Up.
Well, I hope you know what you're doing.
I thought she'd have burst.
Thanks to your interest in the college next term,
we are committed to several new integrated courses
with a substructure grounded thematically
on academic factors.
Right, easy, easy!
That's it, that's it.
I suppose that's what you call concrete evidence.
Come on, up, up, right, steady, steady!
Eva never had red hair
and her breasts were never that big.
It's probably due to the gases, they putrefy, you know.
Oh.
Right, right, come on!
Generally speaking we have a viable staff position
by allocating places to candidates
with a specialist knowledge
in particular areas of academic achievement.
May I ask a question, Mr. Treadaway?
Oh, yes, of course.
What the fuck is going on out there?
For Christ's sake, get her down, that's evidence!
Left, left, okay, back down, will ya!
Right, right!
No, no, it doesn't matter about left or right,
it doesn't matter, have you gone mad?
Get it down!
Get that fucking thing down!
No!
Now that is what I call a blow job!
Henry Wilt, that man's always been trouble.
The college will never live this down.
Can we have a last shot
of you with the rubber doll, sir?
You can beat me up if you like, it won't do any good.
You're wrong there, it'd do me the power of good.
You knew it was a doll down that hole
all the time, didn't you?
Well, I told you enough times.
But it was a red herring, wasn't it?
To distract us from what should've been the focus
of our investigation, the disappearance of your wife
and Sally and Hugh West-Roper.
What are you talking about?
We've checked out their house,
nobody's seen hide nor hair of them since Friday night,
which is hardly surprising,
since that's when you massacred
all three of them in cold blood!
Don't be ridiculous, for a start,
my wife came round while I was out, she left a note.
A note?
Yes, a note saying how she wanted to re-evaluate
and find her own space and all that load of bollocks.
Where is this note?
Well, I haven't got it anymore.
Where is it?
I wiped my bottom on it.
You did what?
Well, I was very annoyed
and I hadn't got any toilet paper, you see.
Do you mean to tell me that the one piece of evidence,
that could corroborate your story
is wrapped round a turd halfway to the North Sea?
Yeah.
How tragically inconvenient.
Well?
He's knackered but still facetious,
he says he's thinking of calling Amnesty International.
Oh, bloody marvellous, you can just see it, can't you?
Kylie Minogue and U2 at Wembley Stadium, Free Henry Wilt.
Right, come on, Dave, let's give it another go.
I wonder if they had this problem with the Manson family.
Alright, that'll be all, Sue.
- Audrey. - Sorry, Audrey.
You ought to know by now.
Why are we whispering?
He's asleep.
The whole point of this exercise
is to keep the bastard awake!
Tapes, Dave.
We've got through 25 so far,
I managed to find some more in the cupboard.
Right.
Right, Henry, I'd like to start.
Germany calling, Germany calling.
Good morning, campers.
What's happening, Dave?
You pressed both the keys together, sir.
One of these days she'll push me too far, Dasher.
- Hang on. - Something's got to give.
What I think I'll do then is I'll murder her,
it's the logical solution, yes,
something grisly would be good,
grisly yet ingenious,
yes, that's it.
Just keeps on mounting up, doesn't it, Henry?
I'd say your time was definitely running out, old son.
You know, don't you?
Excuse me?
That's why you brought me this
and all the time I thought
you were just another mindless copper.
That Friday night,
I went back there, back to the house.
When I got there, the last guests were just leaving.
It was deserted,
but I could hear music coming from an upstairs window
and a sort of raucous, loud laughter
and the three of them were up there
in a sort of Bacchanalian orgy
mocking the rest of the world.
I had to do it.
I had to purge society of their evil, loathsome presence.
It was only my duty.
Murdering them was easy,
the messy bit is how I disposed of the bodies.
I knew it, I knew anybody who could pull that doll stunt
must have something really filthy up his sleeve.
Yes, but that?
I think I need to go and have a little lie down.
Are you telling me this maniac, Wilt
came in here on Sunday night
and put three dead bodies through our mincer?
That's what he claims.
Is it feasible?
I don't know, I've never tried.
Where do you put the heads?
We normally put them with the bone waste
in the animal food bins.
The bastard knew every detail about this place alright,
I'll need a complete list of everybody you supply.
I'll have the evidence this time,
if we have to search every sausage in the South of England.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, sir.
They may be the pies with the family filling,
but so far we haven't found much evidence of the family.
In other words you still haven't got anything
to convict this man, Henry Wilt?
Well, no, sir, not yet, but...
Right,
release him.
What?
Flint, do you have any idea what this bloody case
is doing for our credibility?
I mean, not content with dangling giant rubber obscenities
in front of TV cameras,
you go on to plough up seven acres
of someone's private residence
on the slim pretext that there may be a body somewhere
and now you have the manpower of three police forces
swooping on innocent families like Mongol hordes
and making off with the contents of a,
liver sausage sandwich!
Have you actually read this man's confession?
No, I didn't wait for the transcript, sir.
Pity,
pity, because if you had,
you might have noticed the bloody signature!
Sweeney Todd.
Oh, I think prison will be curiously liberating really,
banged up in the poky.
Do you think they'll wanna take a cast of my face
for the Chamber of Horrors?
I'm taking you home, Henry.
It's all over.
You've been released.
For God's sake, Hugh,
shove harder and get us out of here.
It's not my fault, for God's sake,
I'm trying as hard as I can.
He's hopeless.
Do you think we'll be stuck here for long, Sal?
I really ought to phone Henry.
The whole point of this trip, Evie
was that you wouldn't phone Henry.
Leave him to stew in his own emotional juices for a while.
You really ought to loosen up, darling.
Oh, you're all knotted and tense.
But it's been three days, Sal, he'll be frantic.
Well,
it's been interesting, that's for sure.
Nobody's heard from her, I'm afraid.
No, but she'll be back in a couple of days.
Yeah, I expect she will.
Life will soon settle down, time's a great healer.
At least you're free now.
Yes.
Yeah, I suppose I am.
Well, I'd better go, Marge has got her disableds tonight.
Righto, thank you, Peter, bye bye.
Oh, it's no use, I can't budge the bloody thing.
Poor Hugh, do you want us to pick off the leeches?
I'm bloody exhausted.
I'll fetch another bottle from the kitchen.
Galley.
If you're such a nautical genius,
why is it we're stuck on a sodding sand bank?
What are we going to do?
We could be here for weeks.
Better pray for rain, we're out of Evian.
We should never have come in the first place,
I should never have listened to you.
Well, Sal was only thinking of me,
because of my situation with Henry.
She caused the situation, you stupid cow!
Who do you think it was stuck the doll on Henry
in the first place?
Why did I have to marry a dyke?
Are you calling Sal a lesbian?
She's got their phone number, she can call them herself.
Are you going to let him insult you like this?
I mean,
Oh, my God!
Are you blind as well as stupid?
You don't think she had any other reason
for wanting you on this boat trip, do you?
She wanted to get inside your knickers.
Ow!
Serves you right, you loud-mouthed wimp!
Ow!
Oh!
Oh, look, Eva, I'm sorry,
you don't want to believe everything he says,
he just wants to stir things up between us.
Leave my body alone!
You've done nothing but lie to me
and manipulate me all along!
Alright then, clear off back to your grotty little semi
and your poxy little lecture husband
with his worm of a willy!
And I lied about my nipples going hard as well.
Go screw yourself!
You're not going off in that thing,
you'll never make it!
Sic
transit,
Eva.
Hello!
You've no idea what I've been through,
I've been deceived, insulted, sexually molested.
Oh, dear.
Polluted probably, that water must be full of nitrates.
I'm freezing cold and I'm miles from anywhere
and I suppose all this time
you've been sitting doing nothing?
Look, I'll be along as soon as I possibly can.
I've been a bit tied up.
Right, okay.
- Can I help you? - Oh, vicar,
ooh, vicar, thank God you're here.
Oh, I am sorry, I do apologise about this,
it's just that I had an accident, you see
and I got very wet.
I did knock on the front door, but there was no reply.
I am sorry.
I have sinned, I know I've sinned,
but it's Henry, he encourages sin.
You're a vicar,
you must understand the woman's point of view.
There hasn't been a real, live woman in this house
since Mrs. Summer, the cleaning lady,
she hasn't been here since Epiphany.
That's obvious.
Of course I haven't been in the parish long.
No, where were you before?
Swaffham.
- Where you going, mate? - Waterswick.
- You'd better put this on. - Right, yes.
Dasher, up, up!
Better is a dinner of herbs where love is,
than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.
- You alright? - I'm fine thank you, yes.
As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout,
so is a fair woman which is without discretion.
That's me, isn't it?
What?
I'm a jewel of gold in a swine's snout.
You're all hot and perspiring.
Give me your hanky.
The things people leave in church.
Yes.
That's where I must go, reverend,
to the church to pray.
I don't know what it is, I just feel I've been so naughty.
Will you help me find peace?
I hope so.
Well, there we are, she's a very resourceful woman,
she's probably found her own way back home by now.
Come on, walkies.
Dasher!
Oh, how lovely.
Why didn't I sign my own name?
I'd be safely locked up in Dartmoor by now.
Dasher, Dasher!
- Argh! - Oh!
Good God, Inspector Flint. - Got ya!
No, please, I haven't got time
for one of our little conversations now.
This is where you dumped 'em, isn't it?
No!
I bet if we dug up these graves,
we'd find a dead body in every one!
Well, me too, yes, but.
Ah!
- Start digging! - My wife!
Please, please!
Oh, bloody hell's bells.
God, now listen to me, you cretinous testicle!
My wife! - Your wife?
Your wife is dead!
Argh!
Well, do you know, Inspector,
for the first time since I met you,
you're in danger of actually being right about something!
Uh, uh!
Armed police ready to fire!
Now look here, if anybody's gonna murder my wife,
it'll be me!
Ah, ah, ah!
Ah!
- Argh! - Ah!
Ah, ah, ah!
Uh!
Let me, let me, let me!
It's alright, vicar, leave this to me.
Yes, right, thank you.
You murdering bastard!
Haven't you had enough for one week, eh?
Ooh!
It's alright, let go of her, Wilt, let go of her!
Walk away, walk away, darling, walk away.
Back against the wall, Wilt.
Go on!
Turn round.
Turn round, spread 'em!
Right, Henry Wilt, you are under arrest
for the murder of Mr. and Mrs. West-Roper.
Excuse me, we are Mr. and Mrs. West-Roper.
Darling, you might have sent someone to rescue us.
Well, you're still under arrest
for the murder of Eva Wilt.
And I'm Eva Wilt.
You, you.
In that case,
I am under arrest,
I am hereby arresting myself
for conspiring to falsify evidence,
for the wrongful arrest of a private citizen,
for wilful and improper use of police manpower and resources
and for possession of a lethal weapon,
which I knowingly acquired from an illegal source
with intent to murder and maim.
I'm not obliged to say anything, but anything I do say
could be taken down and used in evidence.
If someone would care to call the police,
I shall be in the cemetery.
Well, he's been under a lot of strain recently.
Excuse me.
I couldn't use your radio to make an urgent call, could I?
I've just had a slight accident, teeing off across the way,
caught this guy a corker on the temple, hope he's okay.
And your name is, sir?
Farmiloe, Inspector Gerald Farmiloe.
Excuse me.
You look great.
Do you think so?
Can I have all beginners
down that end of the room, please!
That means you. - Right.
What are you doing here?
I'm not with the force anymore,
I'm with Globe Security,
they insisted I take a refresher course.
And you?
I got promoted,
Head of Liberal Studies thanks to the Japanese,
they said anybody who'd endured what I'd been through
had to be possessed of supreme qualities
of valour and leadership.
In Japan, I'd be made a god.
I gather the art of keisheido
is entirely one of self defence.
Oh, that's right, yes,
one must never violate the code
by using it as an act of aggression, must one?
No.
Argh!
♪ Love hurts, love scars ♪
♪ Love wounds and marks ♪
♪ Any heart not tough ♪
♪ Or strong enough ♪
♪ To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain ♪
♪ Love is like a cloud ♪
♪ Holds a lot of rain ♪
♪ I'm young, I know, but even so ♪
♪ I know a thing or two ♪
♪ I've learned from you ♪
♪ I've really learned a lot, I've really learned a lot ♪
♪ Love is like a stove, burns you when it's hot ♪
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Ooh, love hurts ♪
♪ Some fools favour happiness ♪
♪ Blissfulness, togetherness ♪
♪ Some fools fool themself I guess ♪
♪ But they're not fooling me ♪
♪ I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true ♪
♪ Love is just a lie made to make you blue ♪
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Love wounds, love marks ♪
♪ Love hurts, love scars ♪
♪ Any heart, any heart ♪
♪ Not tough or strong enough ♪
♪ To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain ♪
♪ Love is like a flower, needs a lot of rain ♪
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Ooh, love hurts ♪
♪ But they're not fooling me ♪
♪ I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true ♪
♪ Love is just a lie, made to make you blue ♪
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Oh Lord, love hurts ♪
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Love, love hurts ♪
♪ Love hurts, love's gone ♪